i finally broke my club cherry and went to a club in RI on wednesday. The theme that night was fetish night, and the "ringmaster" of the playtime was a friend of mine, so i got to get in free of charge. At the beginning of the night, I kinda stood off in the corner and watched people, like i always do. Just to get the feel of it. I wore my corset and my miniskirt and my heels, but still felt kinda awkward. not sexy at all. but then i saw one of my friends come in and i felt like someone just flipped a switch in me, and i came out of my shell. That and i had two drinks, so liquid courage helped a bit too lol. around midnight, they broke down the "playground" and cleared the stage for more dancing. My friend and her guy friend she brought with her and i were dancing together and getting really into it. and there was a big support pole in the middle of the stage, so my friend and i took turns letting our inner pole-dancers out. I found out that i can pole dance while laced up in a corset, which is an accomplishment (?) i think. Then while i was dancing by myself, some random stranger came up behind me and started bumping and grinding with me. I turned around and told him he was cute. His response was to kiss me. and we didn't really stop kissing until the club closed. Thank god the stage was dimly lit; we got REAL naughty. well, he did anyway. He sucked on my nipples and slipped a finger up under my skirt and tried to finger me, but i wouldn't let him. I wanted to try to play hard to get, but i did let him slip a finger between my lips, which was SUPER hot. He asked me at the end of the night if i was coming back this week. I told him yeah, and i think i will. I definitely will ahve to go visit the local adult shop to see if i can get a new outfit. and i might even let my friend and/or my gf have at me with their floggers....... if i tell them to go easy.....

*sigh* here goes the cycle again. and no, i'm not talking about mother nature's cycle (that's next week). Nope, my immune system was not as tough as i thought it was. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat, and now it's moved up into my nose. I've been chasing Vitamin C and echineaca pills with OJ, and it's been helping a little bit. I hate being sick. i thought after what i went through earlier this year, i could be spared for a little while longer. guess not. :(

I've told him. i wrote him an email:

"just wanted to let you know that i LOVED last night. and..... you know that feeling of regret that you sometimes feel the morning after? yeah, not here. i meant every word i said last night. and i would go through with it any day of the week, if i could. i know that might put you in an awkward position, but this is how i feel. i know that this is certainly not the way for me to tell you this. it should be done in person or over the phone so you could hear me say it. i have really deep feelings for you. i have had them for years now. and lately they've been growing for you. you were there for me through the worst of my marriage. and i know i put you in the middle of it at times too, and i will forever be sorry for that. you were there for me in the aftermath of the separation. when i got really sick, you were there for me. you helped me mentally feel better. you helped me get through the worst of it. and i will be forever grateful to you. i've been trying to figure out these feeling i have for you. i think about you a lot. i sometimes dream about you. and when i wake up, i hope that ti wasn't a dream, that you are right there next to me. and my heart sinks a little when i realize im alone. i've been trying to deny the deepest feeling i have for you, but they won't go away. they keep getting stronger.......

i think i'm falling for you. i think i've already fallen for you. i know this is really awkward to say but.... i think i've fallen in love with you. and i just wanted you to know that. i know you're already taken and commited to her, but i wanted to be honest with you. if you don't feel the same way, then i understand. but.... this is how i feel about you"

and this is the convo that followed......

Chris: I've had feelings for you I think when you were back in school and on the board
Chris: I confess there are times when I think of what it would be like
Chris: and if we lived together
Chris: hanging out, reading comics, going to cons, showing you places to do archery here
Chris: there is chemistry
Chris: and such an arousal and intensity
Chris: like flipping a switch ... BOOM
me: i know; i can feel it
Chris: mmmmmm
me: i honestly have never felt like this before
me: these feelings are completely new to me, and they scare me a little
me: i was scared when i wrote that
Chris: *hugs
Chris: sorry you were scared
me: it's not your fault, hon
me: i've just...... never opened myself up like that before
Chris: mmm
me: i've tried in the past with other people, and they've taken the opportunity to hurt me
me: and used my feelings against me
me: i was afraid to open up again
Chris: understandable
Chris: what we got ... is private
me: just between us

seriously NOT the response i wanted. I feel like i peeled back every layer of my shell, and this was pure me. And..... yeah. that was it.

I told Chris how i feel about him. I told him that i think i'm in love with him. at least it's out there now. the ball's in his court..... now to see what he does with it.....

i was watching One Life to Live, and they ahd a scene where two of the characters i like finally admitted their love to each other and had the sweetest kiss. i was cheering for them, then suddenly i was crying. i was almost downright sobbing. i was so happy for the two characters that FINALLY stopped dancing around the subject and admitted their love for each other. Then as happy as i was, i started sobbing because..... i want that. no one has ever done that with me. and the one person that i do want to do it will never do.

I'm hung up. and BAD.

tonight is the third night in a row i've been on for alomst an hour, and he didn't even say hi. just.... gone. I'm tired of the games, the lack of interest, just..... if our friendship is dead, then i'm ready to bury it. i'm tired of trying to make something out of nothing. and it saddens me greatly. He was my rock when i got out of my marriage and when i got sick, and have our friendship just wither and die like this...... this isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm sure i'll always love him, but.... it's time to move on.

This is gonna hurt like hell......

It's been exactly a year since i left FL. And i can't believe how much ahs happened and how much I've accomplished in this time. I never would have DREAMED i would do so much and experience so much in such a short amount of time.

The BIG things.......

~I've gone back to college to get my degree. I never would have thought that i would eb able to do it, but i'm really loving it. I'm back on the radio, which is one of my loves. I'm getting ready for another show this week, and am SO EXCITED. this is what i've been missing.....

~I completed my certificate from CSB School of Broadcasting. It was a haul to commute almost two hours to school in Needham, but i did it. and i kept up with it. it was a small class, 7 including me, and i was the token girl. But the guys didn't treat me any differently because of that, and i appreciate it. It was a blast to work with them and to learn all the aspects of being on the radio and on tv. i loved being the co-anchor for our tv performance final. It was scary as hell, but i did really well. I messed up a few times but i didn't stumble as much as i thought i would. I was told my the campus director and one of the tv instructors that if i wanted to, i could use that as my audition tape to work at one fo the local stations as an news anchor, i did that well. I found that i loved camera work as well as the radio, and i have the name of the guy who is the go-to guy for any and all camera work in boston. so if i wanted to go work at the garden being a camera person for the celtics or the bruins,all i'd have to do is call him and ask if he needs more bodies. I also got an internship at the local rock station. It was nice at first, but i was mostly in the promotions department, which was fun, but i got ready to move on real quick.

~I started shooting with the local SCA archery chapter here. its a great group of people and i have been ranked as an archer. I finally have my own equipment, including my own armguard that i made myself, which i'm extremely proud of. I've also begun fighting with the SCA armored combatants too. I thought i was going to not like it as much as i thought, but once i tried it, i found that i LOVED it. I've picked my own SCA name, and i'm going to submit the papers to make it official. My shooting is getting better in archery too. I've been aiming for 40 in a royal round, and i'm getting closer to it every week.

~I went on my first real date with a wonderful guy. I met him on the internet (*sigh* i know), but he was a really sweet guy. we had a few drinks, and just really talked about life and all that crap. he and i keep in touch every so often and keep each other updated about how life is going for us.  ANd as far as relationships go, I'm not looking for anything right now. I'm enjoying being single again, and like being one of the guys again. I really didn't see what a good thing i had going in that role, but i'm thoroughly enjoying it now.  I've met a great group of people that are my friends, and i can really be myself around them, and it's ok. I can be the saucy sexy tease that is so much fun to be, and i don't have to keep myself in control. they can toss it out and i can throw it right back with a smile and a wink and play hard to get, and my gfs LOVE it. I've gotten so comfortable in my own skin, and i'm really pleased about how many heads i can turn now. I've lost only about 30 pounds, but i've gone from a 22W to a 16M, and i'm working to get it down even more. I'm going to the gym at school, and i've noticed that my health has improved in a big way; i'm eating better, and i'm not as tired as i was.

Now, the LITTLE things (there's not that many)

~I totaled my sister's car right after i got back. it was a pure accident, and i didn't hit anyone. and i walked away with only a few bruises. I felt so bad about the car though. my sis didn't get as mad as i thought she would, though. tonight she told me that i'm paying her back by getting her Mike's hard lemonade when she comes home (but i make sure she's drinking at home; i'm not that stupid). It didn't scare me as much as i thought it would; i went by the spot i crashed and i couldn't even tell where the tree was that i hit. and i continued to go by it every day for three months while i was going to CSB.

~at the begininng of the year, i got sick. I mean REAL sick. i had a constant sore throat, and got sinus pressure so bad i couldn't even lift my head in the morning. I went to the doctor and he put me on a z-pac and it went away after about a week, and i thought i was done with it. but it came back every month or so, and i'd be laid up for about a week or so. Finally at the end of march, it got so bad i went back to the doctor and he put me on a strong antibiotic. I started it on monday, and i started throwing up. I thought it was to get the infection out or something, and it was holding onto me tight. I was so sick i had white pus come out of little cuts on my fingernails. and because of that, nearly lost my nails on my right pinkie, ring and middle fingers and my left pinkie. i threw up so much, i couldn't really hold anything down, and so i started throwing up stuff down in the bottom of my stomach. by the time friday came, i was throwing up every hour, and couldn't keep anything down. my mom came home friday night to find dad with me in the bathroom, and i was throwing up again. i told her i couldnt do this anymore. she called the doctor and he said that he wanted me to stop taking the antibiotic and that he'd send an order for me for amoxicilan that she could pick up for me at cvs in the morning. I started taking it and after only two pills, my dad said that i looked better. i did get better but i was a slow process. I had thrown up so much, i had herniated my throat so it was painful to drink anything more that a capful of liquid at a time, and food would make me nauseous, so i didn't eat for about a week. I survived on coke and powerade. and i developed fever blisters on my lips, so i tried to stay inside and treat them with ointment until they healed. after about a week, they looked better, but it still looked like i chewed my lips to a pulp almost. but in time, they healed. I've never been that sick before in my life and i don't wish it on anyone.

thank you for sticking with me and taking care of me :*kiss* you know who you are.

The future.......

I want to graduate from Cape Cod Community College and go right into a Bachelor's degree program in communication. I hope to graduate from whereever i decide to go with a degree and i hope to get a job being on the air somewhere. i hope that someone likes my metal show and wants me to bring it to their station and be on the air. I hope to move out of the house and be on my own again. I can't wait to go watch my sister graduate from college and go on with her life. I missed out on so much of it, but i'm making up for it (hopefully) by being here now.

Thank you everyone who has stayed with me through my lows and highs. Always know i will be there as much as i can for you. If now physically, i will DEFINITELY be there for you spiritually. *KISS*

today's not a good day for me. I don't think i should have gone back to sleep after my alarm went off at 6. work was fine, but when i went to get my check at my other job, it was like when you can sense the electricity in the air right before a thunderstorm. I started to feel off. I put my check in and saw that i might have enough to keep myself afloat this week. Then i remembered that my bill to sallie mae was supposed to be paid this week. so there goes 145. then 25 goes to pay off my laptop, and 65 goes to my savings. and i still have to get my halloween costume, maybe start on my armor, and get a target so i can start practicing at home. and all of this started invading my head while i was driving to school. so all throughout class i was worrying about it, and then i went to get my assignment off my flash drive.... and the little bastard wasn't there. i can't believe that i forgot that. i should have put it on last night, and i didn't. so i got really bothered by that. and the professor came up to me and asked if everything was all right with me, cuz she noticed that i wasn't paying that much attention that i normally do in that class. i feel really angry at myself that i'm letting life affect me like this, to the point that people who don't know my that well notice it. and i'm gettting like this in all my classes. I'm SO glad i'm back at school, but i'm falling into my old school habits like when i was in high school and college. I'm really good the first month of school, then after that..... it;'s like i fall off the wagon of all things. I don't want ot be there anymore, and then i start slipping, and then at the end of it, i freak out in a big way because i'm so stressed out.

And i want a good costume for halloween, and i'm starting to panic that i'm waiting too long to get what i want. and i've changed my mind about who i wnat to be again, and i know how i want to do it, but i'm not the size i want to be and i think it will just look ridiculous. and i've been trying to lose weight, but it won't go. I've been trying to be good about what i eat and exercise, but it seems like everytime i try to go to the gym, something comes up and i can't go. i was trying to go at least three times a week and i think it lasted a week. i haven't been at all this week, and tomorrow, i'm going to practice, so i guess that COULD count as the gym/ I don't know. I want to go to practice though, cuz i want to work on my skills. and beat on F's shield so hard that i dent it.

and i want to start making my own armor for combat, but that's money too, and i don't mind borrowing loaners, but there's a sense of pride to having your own stuff. I've been shooting archery for almost a year up here in MA, and just two weeks ago, i finally have all my own equipment. and i'm proud of it. it's just....... i'm not very good at waiting.

ugh, i feel like i've been spinning around in circles for hours and now i want to throw up. and cry.

headdesk i'm a mess...... where's my SAM-e?

he may say he cares about me, but it's not the way i want him to. I told him that i had a crush on him and that he made me feel special and wanted. and he said "you are special". then he was signing off.

I want more from him than he wants from me. I don't want to push myself onto him, but that's what i'm doing. i'm trying to drive him away from his gf because i want him to love me.

I asked about halloween and he said grumble, then changed the subject. He's not going to come out to see me. just the way he's acting..... he doesn't even seem to start the convos anymore. It's always me. I'm trying to make something out of nothing with him. I think he wants to stay online friends, and just never meet. I really dont want this. we've been online buds for years, and now when i want to maybe take it to the next level by meeting, he's shying away. i don't know what to make of that. have i wasted all these years thinking i'm making something out of this to find that when all's said and done, i have nothing? is all i'm left with is another internet crush? i don't want that. i want what he and i talk about.

then again, it's a lot easier to talk about it than actually take the steps to get it, right?

Damn. It.

Coputer guy's arm and neck were still hurting so i took charge. i stripped him down and gave him great head along with showering him in kisses. he stayed on the bottom while i topped him. he said he was disppointed that he couldn't give me 10 orgasms with his mouth, but he certainly did that with his dick. He lasted pretty long, mainly because whenever he would get up there, his muscles in his shoulder would twinge and would distract him. but i helped him to get there, and he said that this is what he needed. ditto lol.

me and computer guy are planning on hooking up tomorrow. if we do, it would be the first time in almost a month since i've gotten laid. I shaved this afternoon, so i'm nice and clean for him. I can't wait for him to use that magical tongue of his......

Computer guy pinched a nerve in his neck so we had to cancel. crap.

and i found out that one of the gentlemen i took care of in FL passed away. I knew he would go, but it still hurts.

so what could have been a nice day just got shit thrown on it.

wonderful.

i've made plans to meet up with computer guy on friday. I'm gonna take charge this time first. I want to make out naked with him like we did the first time we met up. i want to be caressed and kissed and all that stuff. I'm just hoping that he coems over early enough so we can play for a while.

and i've made plans with one of my friends who's a part of the "scene" to meet up with her and a dom that she plays with. I've told her my limits, and she's been really respectful of them. she knows that i want to explore and that i'm realtively new to the scene, so she's not throwing me to a sadist dom, like of our other friends.

i wanted to go to bed with chris tonight. no sex, just wnated to curl up with him and fall asleep in his arms.....

Felt good this morning/afternoon, got a little down on myself around 2 cuz i had already had a sandwich at school and when i came home, my mind said that i was hungry and my body responded by eating pringles, and a left-over pork chop from last night. then found out that the mechanic couldn't fix the noise in the car (that i had already had checked by ANOTHER mechanic) and that i'm just gonna have to drive and live with it (wonderful; it sounds like if i turn the wheel even a tiny bit it's screaming KILL ME!!!!!) then was ranting about work and how frustrating it is, then got even more mad at myself cuz i started driving towards work instead of taking mom to work, then got even more mad at myself for stopping and getting a soda when i i'm trying to be good and lose weight, then madder still cuz i have to work both jobs back to back tonight and i have an english essay that i haven't even started yet and it's due tomorrow morning and how i;d like nothing more than to call in sick from both jobs and stay home tonight, but both of the rely on me to be there, and i just HATE IT WHEN I GET LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i can't even go fuck this out of me cuz no one's around to help me out.

FUCK.

MY. 

LIFE.

it was a fluke. I said to him last night "luv ya" and he said....... "you too".

ow.

ok, tonight i was im'ing with chris, and as he's signing out, he says...... "love ya, good night".

was it a fluke? maybe.

could it mean something completely different than what i want it to mean? most likely.

did it make me over the moon happy? :D YES!!!!!!!!!

I miss being caressed. i miss being kissed. I just miss being touched. i miss the feeling of someone's hands on me. not being rough, just exploring. i miss being treated like a queen in bed, not that i know what that is like anyway. I don't know what it's like for someone to take their time "making love" to me. I feel like i've always been fucked, even my ex did it. I miss being held. none of my lovers do this. computer guy to a point, but his schedule and mine just can't seem to come together. I miss pierced guy. He did me like no one has, although he never cuddled afterwards. i was always cuddling him. i've almost given up on finding a partner that will keep me satisfied in bed. I don't have any time anymore, between work and school. And i'm tired of trying to find someone to play with to be disappointed yet again. i don't know if i've got high standards or waht, but i'm tired of being disappointed.

on a bit of a tiny brighter side, chris MAY MAY be coming out here for Halloween. I say MAYBE cuz he's not sure if he can get the time off. I want him to. and he told me he wants me to stay with him while he's here. I just want him to come. I don't care if we end up going to salem for halloween or if we stay in bed watching horror movies. I just want to be with him. I want him to kiss me and tell me that he wants me, that he's wanted me for the past 5 years, that he never wants to let me go. it's REALLY REALLY sad, but..... i want him to tell me he loves me. Because...... i think i love him. i think i always have.

there. i said it.

I think i love him.

and i'm scared shitless he doesn't feel the same......

OMG so much going on right now. I'm at school full time, and still working at the pool and grocery store. I like school; it feels great to be back. Although i'm kinda regretting my math class. it's essentially algebra for idiots. and now that i remember the material, it feels like i'm trudging through knee-high sludge pulling my car behind me at the same time. But all i can do is just keep at it and work through it and hopefully ace the class. That would look good on my transcript hopefully. I start training to be on-air tomorrow. Hooray, i'll be back on the air!!!!!

Life-wise...... pierced guy moved away :(, the sub has left me alone, CG is in ME, and computer guy and I can't put our schedules together. There's one guy that i got into contact with when the sub and i were looking for a third, but we can't seem to find a room. we've fucked twice in the car, and he doesn't last that long. i either blow him too long or i'm too tight. and last night he kept trying to assert himself as the dom by holding my head down while i was sucking on him, but i didn't let him. I'm stronger than most guys think i am. but i miss being with someone. I miss the caressing part, the sensual part of sex. the only one i've had that with is computer guy. but you know what the sad thing is? when i was on my home last night after Carman, all i could think about was how much i wanted to be going home to Chris. to lay in his arms and feel his warmth and smell his scent and feel his hands on me. adn i almost started crying. I've never met the man, but i want to spend my nights in his arms and my days counting the hours to when i get to see him again. I'm pathetic aren't i? pining over someone that could be my complete opposite in real life. *sigh* i hate it when i do this.....

when it;s ok to say that you really love to suck on dicks!

thank you! thank you very much! I'll be here all week!

just when i thought i was going to have a date this monday night, mother ntauter decides to laugh in my face and say tough shit, honey. ah the joy of joys that is a woman; blood, constipation then diarrhea, cramps, mood swings, and fatigue. And no fun. *pouts* this sucks.